Haven’t been painting lately, the retreat has long been sounded on three different pieces I’ve been working on – haha, it’s not pretty at all. But, today I had an epiphany about one of those paintings which has been eluding me since last October. As the piece got going initially, I remember that I had a distinct feeling about what the painting was to be about. I didn’t know what it would ultimately look like – but I knew what it was about on a gut level as soon as I saw it materialize. It was slow to come together as I worked on it and I kept going over the same areas without making much progress. At some point in December 2009, I got stuck. I realize now that part of the reason that that happened is I wasn’t been able to connect the intuitive feeling that I had about the painting directly with my painting ability. To put it more literally, I started something that I didn’t have the “chops” to finish. This prospect is somewhat frightening since I’ve been painting with acrylics since the Spring of my senior year of high school in 1991 and after thousands of hours of this stuff you would think that I’d be pretty capable by now. So it goes without saying that this is a fairly surprising revelation, but it seems that I can’t argue with it (given the current state of the painting). I recognize now that something new is happening and I believe the challenge offered is to find some new ways to move forward that require an even greater awareness of what it is I am doing. The end result may not be that my painting style changes (yet), but I do know that I need to learn how to be more direct when it comes to saying what I mean and knowing what I mean to say. After all, this piece is actually not meant to be an abstract painting – it just looks that way because I’ve not been direct with either myself – or the viewer.
I don’t think there are enough curse words in the dictionary to capture the way I feel about this painting. It’s bad. And what’s worse is that I’ve been immobilized by it. Haven’t been able to pick up a brush to rally against it in what seems like weeks. Sure, I’ve got other projects going on – but still. I’m pissed and frustrated and, if playing the observer, once again captivated by the behavior of the winds of creativity – sometimes they blow hot, and at other times … “Welcome to the Frozen Tundra”, Population 1.
But here’s the kicker and the little piece of intel that I’ll dole out here for the public dossier – when I get stuck like this, it’s an indicator of some shift in internal state. What does that mean? It means that the person that I was when I started this a few weeks ago is different. In this particular case, I remember initially approaching this piece with a care-free naivete and a desire to make it simple and easy. Yea and that’s working out really, really f’ing well. So what’s changed/changing? I actually don’t know yet. But I do know that the longer a painting remains unresolved for me – the more vulnerable and insecure I tend to feel, which opens the door to all kinds of self-criticism and feelings of inadequacy. I know right? How can a painting be all that? Maybe being stuck with a piece is more of a reflection of my relationship to the world in general and if I work on getting into balance there – the piece will resolve itself. The jury is still out on that thought because at the end of the day, the only way to really work a painting is to work the damn thing and not sit around moping about it.
To hell with it, I’m moping. Do not disturb.
Here are the most recent process pics from the last couple weeks:
Occasionally, I can get it right straight out of the gate. My most recent piece, “Dually Noted”, is an excellent example of that, sometimes rare, phenomenon. When I finished it this past week I got an overwhelming feeling of gratitude for being able to make art. Needless to say, it was a lot of fun to work on and I’m pleased with the result. There is nothing like making some decent stuff to get the self-confidence going again (which I badly needed because I’m “circling the toilet bowl” on another piece I’m working on).
[Flush]
There it goes now …
I’m pondering doing some more stringed instrument themed-paintings, mostly because I pretty much love deploying nails and string in a semi-haphazard fashion.
Fun times ahead. Below are the progress pics from “Dually Noted”. You may notice that it started out as a funky ukulele, which would have been a cool title, but too direct.
Haven’t been painting lately, the retreat has long been sounded on three different pieces I’ve been working on – haha, it’s not pretty at all. But, today I had an epiphany about one of those paintings which has been eluding me since last October. As the piece got going initially, I remember that I had a distinct feeling about what the painting was to be about. I didn’t know what it would ultimately look like – but I knew what it was about on a gut level as soon as I saw it materialize. It was slow to come together as I worked on it and I kept going over the same areas without making much progress. At some point in December 2009, I got stuck. I realize now that part of the reason that that happened is I wasn’t been able to connect the intuitive feeling that I had about the painting directly with my painting ability. To put it more literally, I started something that I didn’t have the “chops” to finish. This prospect is somewhat frightening since I’ve been painting with acrylics since the Spring of my senior year of high school in 1991 and after thousands of hours of this stuff you would think that I’d be pretty capable by now. So it goes without saying that this is a fairly surprising revelation, but it seems that I can’t argue with it (given the current state of the painting). I recognize now that something new is happening and I believe the challenge offered is to find some new ways to move forward that require an even greater awareness of what it is I am doing. The end result may not be that my painting style changes (yet), but I do know that I need to learn how to be more direct when it comes to saying what I mean and knowing what I mean to say. After all, this piece is actually not meant to be an abstract painting – it just looks that way because I’ve not been direct with either myself – or the viewer. 
